The Best Poker Jokes and Funny Poker Quotes Poker Jokes and Quotes assembled by NoLuckNeeded.com. Scroll to the bottom of the page for funny poker picture jokes and memes. Please reply to this post if you have a joke that should be added. If you like gambling jokes, check out NoLuckNeeded's huge list of The Best Poker Gambling Jokes & Quotes. Aug 15, 2012 - Explore Celeb Poker by Viaden's board 'Funny Poker', followed by 108 people on Pinterest. See more ideas about poker, funny, texas holdem poker. May 11, 2017 Jonathan Levine: I would say the strip poker scene was pretty funny. There was a scene when they're on the boat - and it will end up somewhere - where Amy and Goldie wind up getting drunk.
Poker can bring you riches but it is so easy to throw away large chunks of your winnings by failing to heed some simple poker playing tips and losing your patience. These tips won't make you a millionaire but they will be very useful for the beginner. My poker playing tips have come from the experience of playing many hands so sharing the mistakes in my early days and the resultant killer poker tips will mean that you will never make these mistakes as a beginner! Mix it up -- don't be predictable. Poker is not simply about having the best hand. You can even win with a very poor hand if you bluff well enough. Don't always dump your hand if it is not a good one and don't immediately raise if you have a good one. Your opponents will see this as predictable and easy to identify behaviour and eventually will have you worked out. Watch poker on TV -- this is perhaps the easiest of my poker playing tips. There are many tournaments that you can find on TV and even some internet channels. Typically, they will show you the hole cards owned by each player which are face down on a transparent table with a camera positioned below. These pros can give you killer poker playing tips on all aspects of the game, but especially bluffing which is perhaps the hardest aspect to perfect. Play the free money tables -- all online poker rooms have free tables, also known as freeroll tables. If you are just starting out, this is the best of the poker playing tips to follow. In fact, if you are confused about the basic mechanics of the game such as raising, checking, calling etc., then free poker rooms are the best way to learn. Just learn the winning hands and forget the rest because you can learn the remainder of the game from free money tables. Play the low money tables -- once you have mastered the basic mechanics of the game, you should consider playing the low money tables. Even if you have much to learn still about poker, playing the the low money tables is one of the best poker playing tips because only here will you start to observe the unique behaviour of players when they can win or lose real money. The free tables are fun but the player behaviour is not that of true poker because players have nothing to lose and nothing to gain! Even if you are playing only very low stakes, you will see the real game and you will not be risking more than a few cents each game. Are your hole cards burning a hole in your pocket? Discover the exact breakthrough strategies an underground poker pro uses to earn over $1200.00 per night effortlessly at online poker. |
| --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Welcome to the poker jokes section of PokerHarder. Here you'll find the best and most entertaining humor and jokes on poker.
Playing poker, or poker in general, can be quite serious business every now and then. To help you relax a bit after a long stretch of playing poker, either online or in real life, we've created the PokerHarder poker fun section with a lot of poker humor. From the best and most epic poker videos , to the hottest poker babes, we've brought it all together in this poker fun section of PokerHarder.
Now what would the PokerHarder poker fun section, or any poker fun page for that matter, be without a page filled with poker jokes? That's right, a fun section without poker jokes wouldn't be any fun at all. Luckily our fun-editor shares this insight and has gone to great lengths to serve you a collection of the funniest poker jokes.
Our editor searched far and wide on the internet for poker jokes, went through thousands of pages of books of jokes he found up in his attic, and spent weeks tracking down high roller poker players to ask them to share their poker jokes and anecdotes, all to be able to bring you only the best and funniest poker jokes.
Take a look at our poker jokes section and you'll be sure to have a laugh or two. Feel free to send any joke you like to your friends for their enjoyment and to share a laugh with us.
Enjoy this collection of funny poker jokes, humor and statements:
Joke #1: 5 Signs You Might Have A Poker Addiction…
- You can stack $10.00 worth of quarters into 8 perfect stacks of 5 quarters each in three seconds flat
- You yell, 'Ship it!' at the ATM when you withdraw cash.
- You use the phrase 'bad beat' when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.
- Your kids are named Check and Raise
- You are having such a bad day at hold 'em that you decide to take a break… and play Omaha
Joke #2: You Know You're Running Bad When…
- The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
- You order a cheese sandwich at $1.10, and by the time the waitress brings it, you can't pay for it.
- When you start cussing out someone for calling your pre-flop raise with JQ (suited)
- The only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand', ‘Well played' and ‘Chips'!
- The nice little old lady with the big pile of (your) chips in front of her inquires if you play here often.
Joke #3: The Dead Poker Player
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?'
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.'
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'
She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'
Rippington says, ‘I'll tell him.'
Joke #4: The rabbi, a minister and a priest.
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: ‘Father Murphy, were you gambling?‘
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, ‘Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.‘ To the police officer, he then says, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.‘
The officer then asks the minister: ‘Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?'
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.'
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: ‘Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?‘
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: ‘With whom?‘
Joke #5: Silent Tommy
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
‘Tommy,‘ said his teacher. ‘I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.‘
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, ‘You lose.‘
Poker Funny Moments Images
Joke #6: Husband's losing rent money
‘That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,' the housewife told a neighbor.
‘You didn't do it, did you?'
‘I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!'
Pegomas geant casino no deposit. Joke #7: Kids Play Poker Too
The milkman walks up to number 36, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth…
The milkman asks, ‘Are your parents in?‘
The boy replies, 'WHAT DO YOU [email protected]%*NG THINK?'
Joke #8: Blondie Plays Poker
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen?
Our editor searched far and wide on the internet for poker jokes, went through thousands of pages of books of jokes he found up in his attic, and spent weeks tracking down high roller poker players to ask them to share their poker jokes and anecdotes, all to be able to bring you only the best and funniest poker jokes.
Take a look at our poker jokes section and you'll be sure to have a laugh or two. Feel free to send any joke you like to your friends for their enjoyment and to share a laugh with us.
Enjoy this collection of funny poker jokes, humor and statements:
Joke #1: 5 Signs You Might Have A Poker Addiction…
- You can stack $10.00 worth of quarters into 8 perfect stacks of 5 quarters each in three seconds flat
- You yell, 'Ship it!' at the ATM when you withdraw cash.
- You use the phrase 'bad beat' when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.
- Your kids are named Check and Raise
- You are having such a bad day at hold 'em that you decide to take a break… and play Omaha
Joke #2: You Know You're Running Bad When…
- The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
- You order a cheese sandwich at $1.10, and by the time the waitress brings it, you can't pay for it.
- When you start cussing out someone for calling your pre-flop raise with JQ (suited)
- The only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand', ‘Well played' and ‘Chips'!
- The nice little old lady with the big pile of (your) chips in front of her inquires if you play here often.
Joke #3: The Dead Poker Player
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?'
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.'
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'
She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'
Rippington says, ‘I'll tell him.'
Joke #4: The rabbi, a minister and a priest.
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: ‘Father Murphy, were you gambling?‘
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, ‘Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.‘ To the police officer, he then says, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.‘
The officer then asks the minister: ‘Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?'
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.'
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: ‘Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?‘
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: ‘With whom?‘
Joke #5: Silent Tommy
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
‘Tommy,‘ said his teacher. ‘I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.‘
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, ‘You lose.‘
Poker Funny Moments Images
Joke #6: Husband's losing rent money
‘That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,' the housewife told a neighbor.
‘You didn't do it, did you?'
‘I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!'
Pegomas geant casino no deposit. Joke #7: Kids Play Poker Too
The milkman walks up to number 36, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth…
The milkman asks, ‘Are your parents in?‘
The boy replies, 'WHAT DO YOU [email protected]%*NG THINK?'
Joke #8: Blondie Plays Poker
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen?
Funny Poker Moments
french fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
Joke #9: Vampires playing poker
Funny Moments Stories
What do vampires play poker for?
‘High stakes‘.
